McClure's Magazine
Breaking News
History with Swear Words – Part 37 – The Fucking Crusades
There’s a stupid fucking idea going around that goes...
Neanderthal Lives Matter
I Am Sub-Human I know, I know, you’ve suspected...
In-Group Preference & the Game
Imagine you are on a soccer team. The opposing...
The Rohingya Deception
According to CNN and most every other Western news...
ISIS Versus Trudeau in Edmonton
Stupidity is Our Strength! In my hometown, Edmonton, some...
Shanghai Oil Contract is Black Gold
Shanghai Oil Contract threatens to overturn U.S. dollar hegemony....
Ben Shapiro at Berkeley 2017
Although I didn’t have a ticket to see Ben...
The Beaver Dam Letter
This is an actual letter sent to a man...
Marxists Upset They Have to Pay to Visit Karl Marx Grave.
Despite being famous for advocating a system without private...
Debunking Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s Science in America
Celebrity scientist Neil Degrasse Tyson has a new video...
Trump Does the Unthinkable
As an entertainment journalist, I’ve had the opportunity to...
Wikileaks, CIA, and Michael Hastings
So I went to check out the latest Wikileaks...
No Rules, Too Many Rules, and Stifled Curiosity
Lately if feels like I’m living in a world...
The Gehlen Organization
German General Reinhard Gehlen went into hiding as WWII...
Universal Basic Income is Universal Basic Theft
When one asks why any libertarian would take Universal...
The Looming Conflict
It’s unfortunate. We approach the point where open conflict...
Berkeley Riot and the Bloody Question
Years ago, my dear friend Laura sighed, then said,...
A Cuban on Castro
Please don’t pretend to understand what happened on that...
Trudeau Eulogies
In his comments regarding the passing of Fidel Castro,...
The Joy of Propaganda
The purpose of propaganda is not to persuade, but...
Is France Next?
First Brexit, then Trump, could France be the next...
Progressives Looking Backwards
People who call themselves “progressives” claim to be forward-looking,...
Global Freezing?
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Internet, I’m afraid to...
Did a Canadian Mayor Refuse to Remove Pork from Menu for Refugees?
Muslims leaving the Middle East are trying to find...
Why Trump Won
Over this past year I’ve been called stupid, ignorant,...
Your Vote Doesn’t Matter – But You Do.
Did you ever have a dream that seemed so...
Why Trump Haters Really Hate Trump
It’s not the hair. Or the bad manners. Or...
2016 Election and the Art of the Possible
And I seriously thought 2012 would be the last...
The Other Side Absolutely Must Not Win
The past several weeks have made one thing crystal-clear:...
Rabbits and Wolves: The Sexual Evolution of Politics
There are two main sexual strategies in the animal...
Who Will Win the War on Error?
In May of 2018, the second year of Mrs....
Facebook Warriors
Today on Facebook I read the following statement: “WHITE,...
Tips for a debt-free life for Millennials
Research says that millennials aren’t ready to prepare for...
Canada’s Top Ten List of America’s Stupidity.
#10 Only in America… could politicians talk about the...
Kipling’s ISIS Solution. East is East and West is West.
Mencken was right, “For every complex problem there is...
Turkey No Surprise
Turkey? Orlando? Paris? So what else is new? I...
If Women Ruled the World…
Lesbian commentator Camille Paglia once wrote, “If civilization had...
The Wisdom of Prince. Quotes from the Purple One
Prince was more than just a musician, performer, dancer,...
Debunking the Cannot Eat Money Quote
“When the last tree is cut down, the last...
Sex, Religion & Civilization
Among civilized cultures there is a close relationship between...
RIP Kevin Randleman
Mr. Randleman impacted my life when I was around...
Is Congress Irrelevant? And What the Heck is a Boehner?
God’s truth, I do not know who Boehner and...
Smearing Scalia
Among the many sad signs of our time are...
The Common Nonsense on Terrorism
A few cheering thoughts on terrorism. This column specializes...
The Media Versus The Donald
In the feudal era there were the “three estates”...
University Professor Warns Politically Correct Students
In welcoming a new class, Mike Adams, professor at...
Showdown in San Ramon: A Clash of Civilizations
So I’m at Crown Billiards in San Ramon for...
Where Does ISIS Get the Money?
Numerous analysts believe these radical Islamists get much of...
Radical Islam’s War on Beer
While I was in Egypt this past summer, my...
Gun Control in France
In France, only licensed gun owners may lawfully acquire,...
The Islamic Inquisition and Modern Moderates
One of my dearest friends is a Muslim. She...
Veterans Money Stolen by Bad Design
By law, children of the one-hundred-percent-disabled combat vets can...
She loved it before she hated it.
According to CNN Hillary Clinton pushed the Trans-Pacific Partnership...
Dancing with Psychos
I remember in the early 90’s in Tucson, I...
Doing “Something” About Guns…
Another lunatic went on a shooting spree, and just...
Don’t Mess with Dr.Geezer
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and...
Don Bongino on Bernie Sanders
Former Secret Service agent Dan Bongino ripped into the...
Finland Sucks
Beggars can be choosy. And they are. For example,...
The Trump Paradox
What is it that puzzles New York about Trump’s...
Bear Faced Panic
After a photograph of an emaciated polar bear hobbling...
The Racist Clockmaker
So I’m going through airport security and the guy...
Who Gave Us the Weekend & Saved the Children?
Way back in the old days, sometime in between...
Why They Hate Us
A frequent theme nowadays is “Why do they hate...
Why I Love Both Donald & Bernie
Face it, you probably love one and hate the...
Facebook Magic Bullet Powers
For those that think social media has some kind...
HARRISON BERGERON by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
THE YEAR WAS 2081, and everybody was finally equal....
Making Racism Worse
It never stops, and won’t. Another state of emergency...
How to Deal with Haters
I’ve had four death threats. I’ve had several major...
Mother in Law: USA
The United States has embarked on a headlong rush...
A Communist asks “The Question.”
For many years I have lived in dread of...
Sylvester Stallone’s Dog Days
This is one of the SADDEST stories ever told...
English Pubs and American Indians
The local pub has been a part of English...
Euros, Gyros, Heroes, and Zeros.
The CNN “analysis” of a possible Greek exit from...
How Thomas Sowell Got Lucky
After my 85th birthday last week, I looked back...
Greece For Dummies
Mr. Greece really likes taking care of his family....
Slavery in Canada?
As Canada went to war in 1914, unwanted foreigners...
Get Your Money Out of Mutual Funds Now
BlackRock Inc. is seeking government clearance to set up...
Berkeley Word Game Totalitarianism
The political left has come up with a new...
Just Who are the Real Haters Here?
“I will never be able to hold her again,...
Gay Marriage Freedom?
In the old days, the slaves had to ask...
A Letter From Russian Immigrants to Governor Brown
Honorable Governor Jerry Brown, We are a group of...
You Are What You Say You Are?
Rachel A. Dolezal, the recently resigned president of the...
Was Jesus a Socialist?
On June 16, 1992, London’s Daily Telegraph reported this...
Stupid Doctors & How I Cured My Persistent Cough
For two years I was hacking up a lung....
How Plumbers Saved the World
Vaccines get all the glory, but most plumbers can...
Aeromobil: The Real Flying Car
Ever since the Jetsons, people have been laughing at...
Bagpipes on the Border
I’m still hopping mad about the US Government’s bagpipe...
Nine Things I’ve Never Asked a Woman
My date leaned over and asked, “What year is...
How to End Police Brutality Forever
I am going to make this as short and...
Left, Right & Elvis on Baltimore
Baltimore burns, that much is sure, but who is...
The War on Fathers
Not long ago, Megyn Kelly of FOX News went...
President Obama Fiddles While Baltimore Burns
During his press conference today, President Obama addressed the...
Feminist Destruction
We have suffered for decades now the squawking of...
Anthem: It Is a Sin to Write This…
It is a sin to write this. It is...
Isaiah’s Job
Isaiah’s Job is from Chapter 13 of Albert J....
Travel Hacking the IRS
Unlike many people, I do not have my taxes...
Cell Phone Cowards
Kids these days are punks and cowards. They can...
One Woman Versus the Tax Man
In a sense, the entire system of taxation is...
Mencken’s Bathtub and Social Security
In 1917, H.L. Mencken wrote an article to commemorate...
Apple CEO Tim Cook’s War on Pizza
A reporter went into Memories Pizza and asked an...
Mahatma Gandhi: Smartass
When Gandhi was studying law at the University College...
Iran Insanity and the War on Peace.
Most of the time, on most subjects, Rebublicans are...
The Craigslist Vasectomy
I got a vasectomy. I met a girl soon...
The Snows of Kilimanjaro
Kilimanjaro is a snow-covered mountain 19,710 feet high, and...
How a Poor Boy Became the Richest Man in the World
Andrew Carnegie rose from humble beginnings as a factory...
Who Shot Down MH17? Reuters Lies…
A witness, whom Reuters reported saying he saw a...
The Wal-Mart Story
Why do they Hate Customers? One-hundred percent of the...
In Praise of Stupidity
The simple man heads straight for his goal like...
Stock Market Crashes, Then and Now…
The endless low interest, QE, and bond purchasing programs...
Animal Rights and Wrongs
A “right” is something that cannot, or at least,...
Diversity is a Disaster.
Diversity is a disaster. Why people cannot see this...
Fighting Terror by Punishing You
Economist Martin Armstrong warns that the twin attacks in...
Dead Horse Solution
A boy named Chuck bought a horse from a...
Ancient Chinese Secret – The Wisdom of Lao-Tzu
Lao-tzu founded Taoism when he wrote the Tao Te...
A Short Guide to Kindness, Compassion, and Politics
A Cheapskate Christmas Carol
Ladies and gentlemen, take two minutes to read this...
The Truth About Population
With seven billion people already on our planet, some...
Why Johnny Can’t Rede
After today, you’ll never have to read about education...
Black and Green
Eric Garner’s death was a senseless act of State...
How to Get Rich in Congress
Isn’t it strange how often middle class people get...
The Rolling Stone Rape Fiasco
The fiasco of “Rolling Stone” magazine’s apology for an...
Are Typhoons Getting Worse?
No one likes typhoons, with the possible exception of...
The True Story of Pearl Harbor
The day after Pearl Harbor, President Franklin Roosevelt stood...
No Man is an Island (Except This Guy)
My father wasn’t a king, he was a taxi...
History is for the Winners, Baby!
“History will be kind to me, for I intend...
10 Things Coffee Does to Your Brain
Legend has it that coffee was discovered 1500 years...
Ten Things That Will Disappear In Our Lifetime
Whether these changes are good or bad depends in...
The Amazing Amazon
Where Marta Ortega’s family used to raise pigs is...
Dumb Climate Deal is Dumberer
U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry returned from China...
The Tiny Dot
In this entertaining video, Larken Rose explains the amazing...
News and Other Lies
These days, most people get their news from a...
Are “We” the Government?
Most people consider ‘government’ to be an institution of...
The World’s Strangest Political Quiz
Forget about the Conservative, Liberal pigeonhole stereotypes. Opinions vary...
18 Year-Old-Girl Wins State Election
Saira Blair, an 18-year-old freshman at West Virginia University,...
Election Rejection
Republicans won large majorities in both the House and...
The Senator in Heaven
While walking down the street one day a corrupt...
Countries Versus The Big Idea: Part 2
At the start of the First World War, the...
United Breaks Guitars
A musician named Dave Carroll recently had difficulty with...
Money Won’t Fix Africa, Freedom Will
Here’s how my Aug. 11, 2003, column began: “Anyone...
Glorifying Hitler or Flinging Mud?
Enough is enough. At Salon.com I encounter an article...
Definition of a Liberal
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of...
Countries Versus The Big Idea, Part 1
I like countries. Not because I like imaginary lines...
Canada is Shocked
Canadians were shocked in recent weeks as two Canadian...
Hillary Clinton and the Dept. of Making Shit Up
Hillary Clinton told an audience in Massachusetts, “Don’t let...
The Race to the Bottom
The other day I saw one of those guys...
To Tell the Truth
I’m pushing Mr. X down to Radiology in his...
Gene Simmons Said What?
Gene Simmons has a lot to say when he...
Ms. Yellen’s Imaginary Halo
Arguably the most powerful woman in the world, Federal...
Ebola Payola?
In what appears to be a staged “news” event,...
The “Trickle Down” Straw Man
Among the suggestions being made for getting the American...
The Flawed Definition of Nerd
So what defines a nerd to you? I find...
The 20 Stupidest Things Politicians Ever Said
“What right does Congress have to go around making...
Why Do Men Hate Shopping?
Of course, it’s cliche to say that, “Women like...
Day One Report: US Open 9-Ball Championship
Day One of the world’s premier pool championship is...
Real Life Policing Ain’t What You Think…
I sometimes wish that people knew more about cops,...
Ebola: Panic and Common Sense
The United States will begin “thermal screenings” of passengers...
IMF Wants to Reduce Risk by Encouraging Risk
The International Monetary Fund (IMF) finally realized what should...
Top 10 Deadliest Jobs
One might reasonably expect to find “hero” jobs such...
Anybody Seen America?
Mail arrives, telling me that by going to Mexico...
Apple vs. The FBI
Apple and Google recently announced that they are encrypting...
Eat More. Eat Smart.
A common misconception about weight loss is “eat less,...
Checking My White Male Privilege
Several decades ago, I was born. Purely by chance,...
Would You Like Toilet Water With Your Fries?
Would you rather have ice in your soda, or...
How Tyranny Came to America
One of the great goals of education is to...
Confessions of a Transgender.
A Redditt user who identified herself as transgender posted...
Do It Yourself Jihadism
Last week, Australian authorities thwarted a plan by Islamic...
Beating the Libertarian Strawman
If there is one thing that both liberal and...
Are Men Obsolete?
In a recent debate to decide the fate of...
No One Should Make that Trip Alone
The old veteran looked down at the boy and...
Permission Granted
I don’t know what it is with my generation...
A Spoonful of Sugar Makes the Prozac Go Down?
What if psychiatric drugs like Prozac and Zoloft were...
Dodd-Frank Law Bait and Switch
If you ever want to know the purpose of...
Alton Nolan and White Privilege
After being fired from his job at a food...
The 13 Million Dollar Question
A little while ago, I was invited to participate...
The Forbidden Car
The Forbidden City in Beijing used to be reserved...
UFOs: The Coyne Helicopter Incident
An Army Reserve helicopter nearly collided with a UFO...
The Bizarre Reason Your Health Insurance Plan was Cancelled
“If you like your plan you can…” oh never...
Never Underestimate a Boy Band
Every time some dumb Japanese politician (all over 65)...
Save the Women and Children… from Women?
LaTesha is a tough girl from Queens, NY, with...
What’s A Living Wage?
While we talk about democracy and equal rights, we...
Scotland has more Sheep than People
I once read that “Scotland has more sheep than...
Who Shot Down MH-17?
Not surprisingly, the Russian Union of Engineers accuse the...
UFOs and the Cold War: The RB-47 Case
On the night of July 17, 1957, a UFO...
Lending a Helping Hand, and Lifting a Finger.
Yesterday while waiting for my friend to open the...
MSNBC Host Picks Rand Paul over Hillary
Former MSNBC host Cenk Uygur, says he would bet...
Sean Connery on Scottish Independence
Having been on this journey to independence for more...
What Would Braveheart Do?
By Patrick Buchanan No matter how the vote turns...
Rethinking Sexual Abstinence in the Christian Church
In the face of child molestation scandals, Pope Francis...
A Letter of Separation of Right from Left.
Dear American liberals, I know we tolerated each other...
Winning by Losing: How Sanctions Really (Don’t) Work.
The EU stepped up its sanctions on Russia, aligning...
4 Lousy Reasons the U.K. Doesn’t want to Break Up with Scotland
The Scots are on the verge of voting themselves...
How Men and Women Think Differently. The Nothing Box.
Women are much more complicated than men. Men are...
11 Ways to Tell if Your Country is Run by Idiots
1. If you can get arrested for hunting or...
An Apology For Going To College
It is heresy in our time to intimate that...
UFOs and the Cold War – Part One
The index case for the modern UFO “epidemic” was...
Last of the Texas Wheeler Dealers
Known as the last of the Texas Wheeler Dealers,...
Nicola Tesla on Women: Shocking!
Over 100 years ago the Galveston Daily News interviewed...
The Top 20 Thomas Sowell Quotes
Some people have a knack for turning common sense...
The “Green Thing.”
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested...
Hooray for the Criminals!
Regardless of whether the athletes at Yuma High are...
Good News for Polar Bears
662,000 square miles of ice. More than twice the...
You’re Doing it Wrong
The “narrative” of Ferguson, Missouri changed somewhat. But, amid...
Think and Grow Rich
Timeless advice from Napoleon Hill: The majority of people...
What Cops Really Do
The police are out of control all across the...
Has Hillary Ever Been Right?
By Patrick J. Buchanan Sen. Rand Paul raises an...
Killing People is Not Nice.
I believe in equality. That is not to say...
The Anti-Asian Mayor
New York Mayor De Blasio wants to ‘solve’ social...
Irwin Schiff wants to know why he is in jail.
86 years old, partly blind, and lacking legal counsel,...
Minimum Rage
Some politicians argue that raising the minimum wage helps...
A Message from Elena
This video was released a month before the Malaysian...
McCainiac and Sillery
Both John McCainiac and Sillery Clinton have recently compared...
Whither Israel?
The Road to Ruad I first heard the phrase...
Men are from Earth
Men are not from Mars. Women might be from...
She Threatened to Shoot Me…
I was just sitting there, visiting with a good...
Poverty and Snowstorms
Many years ago, in upstate New York, there was...
I Almost Killed a Guy Today
I did it on purpose, and to be quite...
Economic Viagra
Known to many as the maker of the sex-enhancing...
So What?
Donald Sterling, Los Angeles Clippers owner, was recorded by...
The Magic Bank Account
Imagine that you had won the following *PRIZE* in...
Modern Day Lynch Mobs
Some years ago I was married to a black...
Equal Pay for Equal What?
While interviewing candidates for a UX designer position, I...
Look West Before Crossing
A little more than 100 years ago, my ancestors...
The Republican Godfather?
One by one, they snuck into Vegas to dance...
Unless we Change our Ways… The Future Looks Awesome.
A recent NASA study predicted that civilization would end...
The War on Women
Some ideas are so silly you have to be...
Honorable Idiots
The Obama administration imposed new sanctions on Russia in...
For The Children?
Pop Quiz: If a school’s students are passing math...
The Long Shadow of the Future
A thousand generations of parental caring stands behind a...
What the hell is going on in Ukraine?
What the hell is going on in Ukraine? It’s...
He Lost a Fortune, But Not His Resolve…
Erik Voorhees lost over half a million dollars last...
No Gay Jokes
Here are two jokes that can no longer be...
The Real History of Slavery
Mention the word ‘slavery’ and most people think of...
State of the DisUnion Address
In his State of the Union address, President Obama...
Myths to Break for 2014
Why won’t those dummies on the other side smarten...
Men in Pink
Sheriff Joe Arpaio has some interesting ideas about crime...
By Their Fruit, Ye Shall Know Them…
Whenever we stand on the threshold of a new...
Baboons at the Wheel
Looks like the New York Times Paul Krugman has...
The Practical Feminist
“What you’re seeing is how a civilization commits suicide,”...
Where’s Snowden?
Edward Snowden says he feels like a winner despite...
Christmas Without Scrooge?
Charles Dickens wrote “A Christmas Carol” in the hope...
Do You Believe in Santa Claus?
Like many children, my parents told me that Santa...
Invest in Shower Curtains?
In the past decade or so I’ve noticed more...
Ducks in the Closet
Up until a few days ago, I had no...
Smart and Accomplished
Huma Abedin has done nothing wrong. As far as...
Watch Your Backside
It’s good to know that some American’s can still...
Cold Hard Facts
There were 1455 weather records set last week in...
Bibi and the Bomb
There was a bit of a hullabaloo over the...
5 Reasons I Stopped Taking the News Seriously
Back in the early 90s, I felt a need...
Wait Until Dark
It is almost six o’clock when the two Japanese...
Fairy Tales & Facts
Whenever a new and wonderful social program is enacted,...
Smart Women are a Dying Breed
All around the world, “smart” women are foregoing children...
The Light Bulb Lobby
Dear Congress, it has come to our attention that...
Confessions of a Too Big to Failer
I can only say: I’m sorry, America. As a...
Typhoon Tears
Typhoon Yolanda, may very well have been the strongest...
Paul Krugman is Nuts. Part 73.
We’ve lost track of all the nutty statements made...
Six Common Brain Mistakes
Think about it. Our brains are fabulous tools, the...
Social Security’s Sweet Lie
Every now and then, someone refers to Social Security...
The Great Extinction?
As humans live longer, more animal species are going...
The Happy Fascists
According to George Carlin: “When fascism comes to America,...
Making Sense
In the 1950’s America was, superficially at least, happy....
Bees and Al Sharpton
Years ago, someone said that according to the laws...
1 out of 10 Americans are Not Fooled By This Video
There’s a video making the rounds on Facebook and...
5 Things “They” Don’t Want You to Know About…
It might seem like we’re living at a uniquely...
Don’t Drink the Kool-Aid
When the Reverend Jim Jones told his followers they...
The Money of Fools
Thomas Hobbes said that words are wise men’s counters,...
Risky Business
Saul retired to Phuket, Thailand from New York City...
Life is Getting Better
All around the world, food availability, income, and life...
The End of Civility
Auburn Alabama prides itself on friendship and civility. So...
Washington Get a New Quarterback
The curious affair of Fred Mudgeon began in 2015...
Fools Rush In
It was two weeks ago today that Obamacare was...
Rock Hunters and Cool Whores
When someone says, “that’s cool,” it is a signal...
The Big Lie
In all the finger-pointing over the so-called government shutdown,...
Dollars Are Forever?
Imagine that you could pay for anything with an...
The Harry and Barry Show
It’s a shame that smacking people upside the head...
I Fought the Law, and Briffault Won.
“Breaking rocks in the hot sun. I fought the...
The Diner from Hell
Majority rule isn’t all its cracked up to be....
The Doctor Will See You Now…
Dr. Doug Nunamaker, a family doctor based in Wichita,...
The Cult of Multiculturalism
Long before the word was invented, the world has...
Champagne Socialism and Tequila
In my work, I sometimes rub elbows with the...
If She Had a Million
Khun Anuphan, a 76-year-old Muslim fisherman from Rawai, sold...
Permission granted
I don’t know what it is with people, but...
Putin’s Peace of Mind
A petition on the White House “We the People”...
The Big Freeze
Arctic Sea Ice levels were at record lows last...
The War on You
12 years ago yesterday, the so called “War on...
Middle East Meddlers
Did you ever stop to wonder why is there...
She Just Stared At Me
She was in her late twenties, with flowing brown...
Dirty Harry Syria?
So the Nobel Peace Prize winning President wants to...
The Impeachment of Franklin Roosevelt
Franklin Delano Roosevelt is considered by many to be...
Confucius Confused
“As a first step, I would see to it...
Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way.
Born without arms, Richie Parker is now an engineer...
Seven Super Spices
Every time you add herbs or spices to your...
Elmore Leonard RIP
The Dickens of Detroit passed away yesterday. Perhaps the...
Hockey Fight in Cambodia
I didn’t plan to get in a fight. I...
Tweedle-Dumb and Tweedle-Dumber
Who Will Be the Next Fed Honcho? Bernanke is...
Bono Goes to School
When George Ayittey saw rock star Bono in the...
How to Get Rich Not Buying Cars
Over the past 20 years I’ve bought two cars...
Bye Bye American Pie…
1,810 people renounced their US citizenship in the first...
The Great Global Warming Swindle
The antidote to Al Gore’s Inconvenient Truth, this film...
Burning Down the House
I’m going to burn my house down. Then I’m...
Ban Cars!
It was an act of madness, one that no...
Oklahoma Sooner, Cheaper, and Better Too.
The Sooner State is leading the pack is the...
Who Killed Detroit?
MSNBC host Ari Melber, recently blamed the death of...
From Radical to Realist
Greenpeace founder, Patrick Moore has been ‘born-again’ as a...
The Prophet of Profit
Despised by some, deified by others, Ayn Rand is...
Boys Gone Wild
When I was a kid, my friends and I...
Can You Pass the 101 Year Old Test for Eighth Graders?
Apparently kids were pretty smart back in the day....
The Truth About Coconut Oil
You might have noticed that for the past 50...
Please Don’t Shoot the Drones
Hard to believe it’s been nearly 30 years since...
The History of Western Culture in 2 1/2 Minutes
Andrew Claven gives a mirthful overview of Western History...
Bill Really Said It.
I had my doubts that Bill Cosby actually said...
Love and Money
Why do people lie? I never thought about it...
Free Ferraris For Everyone!
In the never-ending quest to make things affordable, I’ve...
The Banned Coffee (Cup)
Rest easy citizen, Ohio Attorney General Mike Dewine is...
The Malignant Dane
Niels Finsen was 20 years old when the doctors...
Meet the New Klan, Same as the Old Klan.
In a 1981 trial in Mobile, Alabama, a jury...
Sum Ting Wong? Yes…
In medieval times the court jester was there to...
Girl Power and the Trouble with Boys…
I recently did some work for an organization called,...
Hurricane Zimmerman
There’s a dangerous storm brewing in Florida. Not in...
The 13 Million Dollar Question
A little while ago, I was invited to participate...
Plane Crash Correctness
Air travel is generally safe, but not 100% safe....
Scared Sunless
Our ancestors evolved in the sun, so it is...
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to QE
The Fed has been hinting that it might bring...
Bastard-O-Cracy in Egypt
Apparently the people in Egypt have risen up and...
The Best Teacher I Ever Had
When I was about four years old, my parents...
BART Holds San Francisco Hostage
373,000 people ride BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) every...
Brazil’s Currency War Comedy
If it weren’t so tragic it would be hilarious....
Letter From a Marine
I just wanted to write and say thanks. You...
Beware the Beard
Did Martians invade? Was there a big storm that...
Elbert Guilory Moves to the Right
State Senator Elbert Guilory recently announced that he was...
Man Put in Chains For Refusing to Give DNA
Georgia man is held in shackles and chains for...
George Orwell’s Animal Farm
Are some pigs more equal than others?  A timeless...

By Peter Vidani.

peter-vidani

A couple of weeks ago, I was scheduled to take a trip from New York (JFK) to Los Angeles on JetBlue. Every year, my family goes on a one-week pilgrimage, where we put our work on hold and spend time visiting temples, praying, and spending time with family and friends.

To my Jewish friends, I often explain this trip as vaguely similar to the Sabbath, except we take one week of rest per year, rather than one day per week.

Our family is not Muslim, but by coincidence, this year, our trip happened to be during the last week of Ramadan.

By further coincidence, this was also the same week that I was moving out of my employer-provided temporary housing (at NYU) and moving into my new apartment. The night before my trip, I enlisted the help of two friends and we took most of my belongings, in a couple of suitcases, to my new apartment.

The apartment was almost completely unfurnished – I planned on getting new furniture upon my return – so I dropped my few bags (one containing an air mattress) in the corner. Even though I hadn’t decorated the apartment yet, in accordance with Hindu custom, I taped a single photograph to the wall in my bedroom — a long-haired saint with his hands outstretched in pronam (a sign of reverence and respect).

The next morning, I packed the rest of my clothes into a suitcase and took a cab to the airport. I didn’t bother to eat breakfast, figuring I would grab some yogurt in the terminal while waiting to board.

I got in line for security at the airport and handed the agent my ID. Another agent came over and handed me a paper slip, which he said was being used to track the length of the security lines. He said, “just hand this to someone when your stuff goes through the x-ray machines, and we’ll know how long you were in line.’ I looked at the timestamp on the paper: 10:40.

When going through the security line, I opted out (as I always used to) of the millimeter wave detectors. I fly often enough, and have opted out often enough, that I was prepared for what comes next: a firm pat-down by a TSA employee wearing non-latex gloves, who uses the back of his hand when patting down the inside of the thighs.

After the pat-down, the TSA agent swabbed his hands with some cotton-like material and put the swab in the machine that supposedly checks for explosive residue. The machine beeped. “We’re going to need to pat you down again, this time in private,” the agent said.

Having been selected before for so-called “random” checks, I assumed that this was another such check.

“What do you mean, ‘in private’? Can’t we just do this out here?”

“No, this is a different kind of pat-down, and we can’t do that in public.” When I asked him why this pat-down was different, he wouldn’t tell me. When I asked him specifically why he couldn’t do it in public, he said “Because it would be obscene.”

Naturally, I balked at the thought of going somewhere behind closed doors where a person I just met was going to touch me in “obscene” ways.

I didn’t know at the time (and the agent never bothered to tell me) that the TSA has a policy that requires two agents to be present during every private pat-down. I’m not sure if that would make me feel more or less comfortable.

Noticing my hesitation, the agent offered to have his supervisor explain the procedure in more detail. He brought over his supervisor, a rather harried man who, instead of explaining the pat-down to me, rather rudely explained to me that I could either submit immediately to a pat-down behind closed-doors, or he could call the police.

At this point, I didn’t mind having to leave the secure area and go back through security again (this time not opting out of the machines), but I didn’t particularly want to get the cops involved. I told him, “Okay, fine, I’ll leave”.

“You can’t leave here.”

“Are you detaining me, then?” I’ve been through enough “know your rights” training to know how to handle police searches; however, TSA agents are not law enforcement officials. Technically, they don’t even have the right to detain you against your will.

“We’re not detaining you. You just can’t leave.” My jaw dropped.

“Either you’re detaining me, or I’m free to go. Which one is it?” I asked.

He glanced for a moment at my backpack, then snatched it out of the conveyor belt. “Okay,” he said. “You can leave, but I’m keeping your bag.”

I was speechless. My bag had both my work computer and my personal computer in it. The only way for me to get it back from him would be to snatch it back, at which point he could simply claim that I had assaulted him. I was trapped.

While we waited for the police to arrive, I took my phone and quickly tried to call my parents to let them know what was happening. Unfortunately, my mom’s voicemail was full, and my dad had never even set his up.

“Hey, what’s he doing?” One of the TSA agents had noticed I was touching my phone. “It’s probably fine; he’s leaving anyway,” another said.

The cops arrived a few minutes later, spoke with the TSA agents for a moment, and then came over and gave me one last chance to submit to the private examination. “Otherwise, we have to escort you out of the building.” I asked him if he could be present while the TSA agent was patting me down.

“No,” he explained, “because when we pat people down, it’s to lock them up.”

I only realized the significance of that explanation later. At this point, I didn’t particularly want to miss my flight. Foolishly, I said, “Fine, I’ll do it.”

The TSA agents and police escorted me to a holding room, where they patted me down again – this time using the front of their hands as they passed down the front of my pants. While they patted me down, they asked me some basic questions.

“What’s the purpose of your travel?”

“Personal,” I responded, (as opposed to business).

“Are you traveling with anybody?”

“My parents are on their way to LA right now; I’m meeting them there.”

“How long is your trip?”

“Ten days.”

“What will you be doing?”

Mentally, I sighed. There wasn’t any other way I could answer this next question.

“We’ll be visiting some temples.” He raised his eyebrow, and I explained that the next week was a religious holiday, and that I was traveling to LA to observe it with my family.

After patting me down, they swabbed not only their hands, but also my backpack, shoes, wallet, and belongings, and then walked out of the room to put it through the machine again.

After more than five minutes, I started to wonder why they hadn’t said anything, so I asked the police officer who was guarding the door. He called over the TSA agent, who told me,

“You’re still setting off the alarm. We need to call the explosives specialist”.

I waited for about ten minutes before the specialist showed up. He walked in without a word, grabbed the bins with my possessions, and started to leave. Unlike the other agents I’d seen, he wasn’t wearing a uniform, so I was a bit taken aback.

“What’s happening?” I asked.

“I’m running it through the x-ray again,” he snapped. “Because I can. And I’m going to do it again, and again, until I decide I’m done”. He then asked the TSA agents whether they had patted me down. They said they had, and he just said, “Well, try again”, and left the room.

Again I was told to stand with my legs apart and my hands extended horizontally while they patted me down all over before stepping outside.

The explosives specialist walked back into the room and asked me why my clothes were testing positive for explosives. I told him, quite truthfully, “I don’t know.” He asked me what I had done earlier in the day.

“Well, I had to pack my suitcase, and also clean my apartment.”

“And yesterday?”

“I moved my stuff from my old apartment to my new one”.

“What did you eat this morning?”

“Nothing,” I said. Only later did I realize that this made it sound like I was fasting, when in reality, I just hadn’t had breakfast yet.

“Are you taking any medications?”

The other TSA agents stood and listened while the explosives specialist and asked every medication I had taken “recently”, both prescription and over-the-counter, and asked me to explain any medical conditions for which any prescription medicine had been prescribed.

Even though I wasn’t carrying any medication on me, he still asked for my complete “recent” medical history.

“What have you touched that would cause you to test positive for certain explosives?”

“I can’t think of anything. What does it say is triggering the alarm?” I asked.

“I’m not going to tell you! It’s right here on my sheet, but I don’t have to tell you what it is!” he exclaimed, pointing at his clipboard.

I was at a loss for words. The first thing that came to my mind was, “Well, I haven’t touched any explosives, but if I don’t even know what chemical we’re talking about, I don’t know how to figure out why the tests are picking it up.”

He didn’t like this answer, so he told them to run my belongings through the x-ray machine and pat me down again, then left the room.

I glanced at my watch. Boarding would start in fifteen minutes, and I hadn’t even had anything to eat. A TSA officer in the room noticed me craning my neck to look at my watch on the table, and he said, “Don’t worry, they’ll hold the flight.”

As they patted me down for the fourth time, a female TSA agent asked me for my baggage claim ticket. I handed it to her, and she told me that a woman from JetBlue corporate security needed to ask me some questions as well. I was a bit surprised, but agreed. After the pat-down, the JetBlue representative walked in and cooly introduced herself by name.

She explained, “We have some questions for you to determine whether or not you’re permitted to fly today. Have you flown on JetBlue before?”

“Yes”

“How often?”

“Maybe about ten times,” I guessed.

“Ten what? Per month?”

“No, ten times total.”

She paused, then asked,

“Will you have any trouble following the instructions of the crew and flight attendants on board the flight?”

“No.” I had no idea why this would even be in doubt.

“We have some female flight attendants. Would you be able to follow their instructions?”

I was almost insulted by the question, but I answered calmly, “Yes, I can do that.”

“Okay,” she continued, “and will you need any special treatment during your flight? Do you need a special place to pray on board the aircraft?”

Only here did it hit me.

“No,” I said with a light-hearted chuckle, trying to conceal any sign of how offensive her questions were. “Thank you for asking, but I don’t need any special treatment.”

She left the room, again, leaving me alone for another ten minutes or so. When she finally returned, she told me that I had passed the TSA’s inspection. “However, based on the responses you’ve given to questions, we’re not going to permit you to fly today.”

I was shocked. “What do you mean?” were the only words I could get out.

“If you’d like, we’ll rebook you for the flight tomorrow, but you can’t take the flight this afternoon, and we’re not permitting you to rebook for any flight today.”

I barely noticed the irony of the situation – that the TSA and NYPD were clearing me for takeoff, but JetBlue had decided to ground me. At this point, I could think of nothing else but how to inform my family, who were expecting me to be on the other side of the country, that I wouldn’t be meeting them for dinner after all. In the meantime, an officer entered the room and told me to continue waiting there.

“We just have one more person who needs to speak with you before you go.” By then, I had already been “cleared” by the TSA and NYPD, so I couldn’t figure out why I still needed to be questioned. I asked them if I could use my phone and call my family.

“No, this will just take a couple of minutes and you’ll be on your way.” The time was 12.35.

He stepped out of the room – for the first time since I had been brought into the cell, there was no NYPD officer guarding the door. Recognizing my short window of opportunity, I grabbed my phone from the table and quickly texted three of my local friends – two who live in Brooklyn, and one who lives in Nassau County – telling them that I had been detained by the TSA and that I couldn’t board my flight.

I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next, but since nobody had any intention of reading me my Miranda rights, I wanted to make sure people knew where I was.

After fifteen minutes, one of the police officers marched into the room and scolded, “You didn’t tell us you have a checked bag!” I explained that I had already handed my baggage claim ticket to a TSA agent, so I had in fact informed someone that I had a checked bag. Looking frustrated, he turned and walked out of the room, without saying anything more.

After about twenty minutes, another man walked in and introduced himself as representing the FBI. He asked me many of the same questions I had already answered multiple times – my name, my address, what I had done so far that day. etc.

He then asked, “What is your religion?”

“I’m Hindu.”

“How religious are you? Would you describe yourself as ‘somewhat religious’ or ‘very religious’?”

I was speechless from the idea of being forced to talk about my the extent of religious beliefs to a complete stranger. “Somewhat religious”, I responded.

“How many times a day do you pray?” he asked. This time, my surprise must have registered on my face, because he quickly added, “I’m not trying to offend you; I just don’t know anything about Hinduism. For example, I know that people are fasting for Ramadan right now, but I don’t have any idea what Hindus actually do on a daily basis.”

I nearly laughed at the idea of being questioned by a man who was able to admit his own ignorance on the subject matter, but I knew enough to restrain myself. The questioning continued for another few minutes. At one point, he asked me what cleaning supplies I had used that morning.

“Well, some window cleaner, disinfectant -” I started, before he cut me off.

“This is important,” he said, sternly. “Be specific.” I listed the specific brands that I had used.

Suddenly I remembered something: the very last thing I had done before leaving was to take the bed sheets off of my bed, as I was moving out. Since this was a dorm room, to guard against bedbugs, my dad (a physician) had given me an over-the-counter spray to spray on the mattress when I moved in, over two months previously. Was it possible that that was still active and triggering their machines?

“I also have a bedbug spray,” I said. “I don’t know the name of it, but I knew it was over-the-counter, so I figured it probably contained permethrin.” Permethrin is an insecticide, sold over-the-counter to kill bed bugs and lice.

“Perm-what?” He asked me to spell it.

After he wrote it down, I asked him if I could have something to drink. “I’ve been here talking for three hours at this point,” I explained. “My mouth is like sandpaper”. He refused, saying

“We’ll just be a few minutes, and then you’ll be able to go.”

“Do you have any identification?” I showed him my drivers license, which still listed my old address. “You have nothing that shows your new address?” he exclaimed.

“Well, no, I only moved there on Thursday.”

“What about the address before that?”

“I was only there for two months – it was temporary housing for work”. I pulled my NYU ID out of my wallet. He looked at it, then a police officer in the room took it from him and walked out.

“What about any business cards that show your work address?” I mentally replayed my steps from the morning, and remembered that I had left behind my business card holder, thinking I wouldn’t need it on my trip.

“No, I left those at home.”

“You have none?”

“Well, no, I’m going on vacation, so I didn’t refill them last night.” He scoffed. “I always carry my cards on me, even when I’m on vacation.” I had no response to that – what could I say?

“What about a direct line at work? Is there a phone number I can call where it’ll patch me straight through to your voicemail?”

“No,” I tried in vain to explain. “We’re a tech company; everyone just uses their cell phones”. To this day, I don’t think my company has a working landline phone in the entire office – our “main line” is a virtual assistant that just forwards calls to our cell phones. I offered to give him the name and phone number of one of our venture partners instead, which he reluctantly accepted.

Around this point, the officer who had taken my NYU ID stormed into the room.

“They put an expiration sticker on your ID, right?” I nodded. “Well then why did this ID expire in 2010?!” he accused.

I took a look at the ID and calmly pointed out that it said “August 2013” in big letters on the ID, and that the numbers “8/10” meant “August 10th, 2013”, not “August, 2010”. I added, “See, even the expiration sticker says 2013 on it above the date”. He studied the ID again for a moment, then walked out of the room again, looking a little embarrassed.

The FBI agent resumed speaking with me. “Do you have any credit cards with your name on them?” I was hesitant to hand them a credit card, but I didn’t have much of a choice. Reluctantly, I pulled out a credit card and handed it to him. “What’s the limit on it?” he said, and then, noticing that I didn’t laugh, quickly added, “That was a joke.”

He left the room, and then a series of other NYPD and TSA agents came in and started questioning me, one after the other, with the same questions that I’d already answered previously. In between, I was left alone, except for the officer guarding the door.

At one point, when I went to the door and asked the officer when I could finally get something to drink, he told me, “Just a couple more minutes. You’ll be out of here soon.”

“That’s what they said an hour ago,” I complained.

“You also said a lot of things, kid,” he said with a wink. “Now sit back down”.

I sat back down and waited some more. Another time, I looked up and noticed that a different officer was guarding the door. By this time, I hadn’t had any food or water in almost eighteen hours. I could feel the energy draining from me, both physically and mentally, and my head was starting to spin. I went to the door and explained the situation the officer. “At the very least, I really need something to drink.”

“Is this a medical emergency? Are you going to pass out? Do we need to call an ambulance?” he asked, skeptically. His tone was almost mocking, conveying more scorn than actual concern or interest.

“No,” I responded. I’m not sure why I said that. I was lightheaded enough that I certainly felt like I was going to pass out.

“Are you diabetic?”

“No,” I responded.

Again he repeated the familiar refrain. “We’ll get you out of here in a few minutes.” I sat back down. I was starting to feel cold, even though I was sweating – the same way I often feel when a fever is coming on. But when I put my hand to my forehead, I felt fine.

One of the police officers who questioned me about my job was less-than-familiar with the technology field.

“What type of work do you do?”

“I work in venture capital.”

“Venture Capital – is that the thing I see ads for on TV all the time?” For a moment, I was dumbfounded – what venture capital firm advertises on TV? Suddenly, it hit me.

“Oh! You’re probably thinking of Capital One Venture credit cards.” I said this politely and with a straight face, but unfortunately, the other cop standing in the room burst out laughing immediately. Silently, I was shocked – somehow, this was the interrogation procedure for confirming that I actually had the job I claimed to have.

Another pair of NYPD officers walked in, and one asked me to identify some landmarks around my new apartment. One was, “When you’re facing the apartment, is the parking on the left or on the right?” I thought this was an odd question, but I answered it correctly. He whispered something in the ear of the other officer, and they both walked out.

The onslaught of NYPD agents was broken when a South Asian man with a Homeland Security badge walked in and said something that sounded unintelligible. After a second, I realized he was speaking Hindi.

“Sorry, I don’t speak Hindi.”

“Oh!” he said, noticeably surprised at how “Americanized” this suspect was. We chatted for a few moments, during which time I learned that his family was Pakistani, and that he was Muslim, though he was not fasting for Ramadan. He asked me the standard repertoire of questions that I had been answering for other agents all day.

Finally, the FBI agent returned.

“How are you feeling right now?” he asked. I wasn’t sure if he was expressing genuine concern or interrogating me further, but by this point, I had very little energy left.

“A bit nauseous, and very thirsty.”

“You’ll have to understand, when a person of your… background walks into here, travelling alone, and sets off our alarms, people start to get a bit nervous. I’m sure you’ve been following what’s been going on in the news recently. You’ve got people from five different branches of government all in here – we don’t do this just for fun.”

He asked me to repeat some answers to questions that he’d asked me previously, looking down at his notes the whole time, then he left. Finally, two TSA agents entered the room and told me that my checked bag was outside, and that I would be escorted out to the ticketing desks, where I could see if JetBlue would refund my flight.

It was 2:20PM by the time I was finally released from custody. My entire body was shaking uncontrollably, as if I were extremely cold, even though I wasn’t. I couldn’t identify the emotion I was feeling. Surprisingly, as far as I could tell, I was shaking out of neither fear nor anger – I felt neither of those emotions at the time. The shaking motion was entirely involuntary, and I couldn’t force my limbs to be still, no matter how hard I concentrated.

In the end, JetBlue did refund my flight, but they cancelled my entire round-trip ticket. Because I had to rebook on another airline that same day, it ended up costing me about $700 more for the entire trip. Ironically, when I went to the other terminal, I was able to get through security (by walking through the millimeter wave machines) with no problem.

I spent the week in LA, where I was able to tell my family and friends about the entire ordeal. They were appalled by the treatment I had received, but happy to see me safely with them, even if several hours later.

I wish I could say that the story ended there. It almost did. I had no trouble flying back to NYC on a red-eye the next week, in the wee hours of August 12th. But when I returned home the next week, opened the door to my new apartment, and looked around the room, I couldn’t help but notice that one of the suitcases sat several inches away from the wall. I could have sworn I pushed everything to the side of the room when I left, but I told myself that I may have just forgotten, since I was in a hurry when I dropped my bags off.

When I entered my bedroom, a chill went down my spine: the photograph on my wall had vanished. I looked around the room, but in vain. My apartment was almost completely empty; there was no wardrobe it could have slipped under, even on the off-chance it had fallen.

To this day, that photograph has not turned up. I can’t think of any “rational” explanation for it. Maybe there is one. Maybe a burglar broke into my apartment by picking the front door lock and, finding nothing of monetary value, took only my picture. In order to preserve my peace-of-mind, I’ve tried to convince myself that that’s what happened, so I can sleep comfortably at night.

But no matter how I’ve tried to rationalize this in the last week and a half, nothing can block out the memory of the chilling sensation I felt that first morning, lying on my air mattress, trying to forget the image of large, uniformed men invading the sanctuary of my home in my absence, wondering when they had done it, wondering why they had done it.

In all my life, I have only felt that same chilling terror once before – on one cold night in September twelve years ago, when I huddled in bed and tried to forget the terrible events in the news that day, wondering why they they had happened, wondering whether everything would be okay ever again.

Leave a Reply