With this in mind, we have a wonderful opportunity for you.
We are the Lighting Association of America, and our industry is suffering from foreign competition which is costing thousands, perhaps millions of jobs each and every day.
A foreign competitor is virtually flooding the market, and at an incredibly low price. The moment he appears, our sales cease, and all our customers turn to him.
This foreign rival is of course, the sun.
We ask you to pass a law requiring the closing of all windows, skylights, curtains, and blinds — in short, all openings, holes, and fissures through which the light of the sun may enter houses or places of business.
First, if you shut off as much as possible all access to the sun, and thereby create a need for artificial light, imagine all the new jobs that will be created.
We will need to construct 100 more power plants (including one in your district of course) to supply the additional electricity, immediately creating thousands of jobs.
To fuel these new plants, will require additional mining of coal or uranium, or even better the construction of vast wind farms. Jobs, jobs, and more jobs.
The displacement of agricultural land for windmills will increase the value of farmland and of farm products, so this proposal is also good for farmers.
Naturally, enforcement of this law will require a vastly expanded police force, perhaps even a new Department of Interior Lighting. Again, more jobs which are dependent on you dear congressman, ensuring lifelong allegiance to your re-election.
Because some industries operate outdoors, and thus unfairly access our rival, we additionally propose the creation of a Cap and Trade system to regulate solar access. As well as a tax on consumers based on how many hours they spend outdoors.
Together, these revenue sources will eliminate that pesky debt problem you never seem to find your way out of.
So you see, our petition if granted would benefit people from all strata of society, from the wealthy stockbroker dealing in lighting credit swaps, to the lowliest light bulb installation clerk.
Some may say that the consumer will bear the expense of such a program and so it will not be a gain at all. Such people are stuck in the eighteenth century, holding quaint ideas like: low prices help raise standards of living.
Any fool can see that the consumer cannot pay for something unless he first has a job, and this program creates jobs.
We realize that such matters can sound complicated, so we have created a simplified title for the bill. We call it the Free America Independent Lighting bill, or FAIL for short.
Together we can put a stop to low cost, and especially free resources from entering our country in order to create jobs and prosperity for all.
We are already working on a FAIL2 bill, in which we propose to further regulate the amount of free sunlight reaching the earth by constructing an iron shield that encircles the planet.
Preliminary studies show that FAIL2 would create 100% employment for at least 3000 years. With such an employment rate, we will surely be wealthy beyond all imagination.
But let us begin at the beginning, with your wise oversight dear member of congress, we urge you to move without delay to pass the FAIL bill.
With your help, we will surely FAIL.
The Lighting Association of America
Inspired by a letter from Frederic Bastiat to the French Parliament written in 1845. The Petition of Candle Makers.